Of course, the whole country is still in shock and mourning over our two national tragedies: the death of the much-loved Prince William, Kate and their three children in that appalling plane crash as they were returning from their annual skiing holiday. And then the King’s fatal heart attack when he heard the news. But in the monarchy, order is swiftly restored. Luckily Prince Harry had been back in this country for some months now with his wife and children, so he was alerted immediately to take the throne. Tens of thousands of people, many of them in tears, lined the streets of London on the day of the multiple funeral and not long afterwards came the happier royal occasion of the Coronation. It was not long after that that I drew the gold card. My popular women’s magazine was awarded an exclusive interview with the new queen and I was the reporter gifted with the task of carrying out that interview.
So, there I was in Buckingham Palace in the room behind the famous balcony and, the palace not being well heated, Queen Meghan arrived wearing expensive-looking white woollen trousers and a fur jacket. She was also wearing a crown that I didn’t recognize from the royal regalia. I learnt later that she had had it made for her by Tiffany. It was platinum and decorated with sprinkling of enamel forget-me-nots. Meghan was accompanied by an American guy who she introduced as her Public Relations Officer, Cliff. I got off on the wrong foot – literally – by forgetting to curtsey until she reminded me. I couldn’t help recalling that she had thought it ridiculous having to curtsey to the late queen when out of the public eye.
That done, we asked for a photograph to illustrate my article and Meghan expressed a wish to be photographed ‘in the palace kitchens wearing a cute apron and cooking up some of my iconic fruit spreads’. We managed to persuade her that there wasn’t time for that so she removed her fur revealing a cream silk shirt and a good deal of bling and took up an elegant pose on one of the armchairs. She told the photographer that he had just ten seconds to take the shot before she froze to death. That done, I opened my notebook and began.
‘So now, Meghan – may I call you that?’
She scowled.
‘I kind of like Your Majesty.’
Hmm. This was not the sunny Meghan I recalled from Netflix.
‘My apologies, your majesty. Now, if you’re ready, we can begin. There are so many questions that our readers would like me to ask you.’
‘Ask away! I’ll give you straight answers but I can’t guarantee you’ll be allowed to print them all. Every word you write has to be vetted by Cliff and he’ll redact anything that he doesn’t like. Ok?’
Understood. Now: tell me about the Coronation. Were you impressed by all the pomp and tradition?’
‘The Coronation? Oh, what a drag that was. It just went on and on and on. And me sitting there throughout like an unpaid extra, trying my best not to let the smile slip. Not a single line of dialogue. Seems that there was only one star role and that was Harry’s. Y’know, I felt like getting up on my two flat feet and yelling : “Look at me! I’m the Queen! It’s my fucking coronation too!” I guess they ghosted me because I’m American not British and because I’m a person of colour. That would figure. Of course, Archie and Lillibet were as bored as I was. They looked really cute, by the way. Did you see them? I chose those little party outfits myself. Well, no surprise that they couldn’t keep quiet. Mom had to take them off to that waiting room off to the side and feed them candy. A big no-no normally – so bad for them - but this was an emergency.
‘At last it was all over and we got to go back to the palace – not in a stretch limo, which would made sense, but in that wobbly old coach that makes you want to throw up. Finally we got to going out onto that balcony (she nods towards it) which was the bit I was waiting for. Those crowds! All that love! All that applause! Like you’re in the best ever Broadway production.’
I cleared my throat.
‘Meg – your majesty, I understand that you and the King are going to be living here in Buckingham Palace. Is that correct?
‘Sure. Harry didn’t want to but I said: “Honey, this is where it all happens. This is where the photo ops are going to be.” OK, so it’s not ideal. Fucking freezing for a start. I mean, open fires are very quaint but I’ll be installing the very latest central heating. Naturally I’ll be redecorating throughout. My magic touch is going to transform this old dump. And the kitchen. You would not believe the food they serve! So much meat! So much potato! So unhealthy. And, would you believe it? No desserts when Harry’s not at home. I’ll be sacking them all and bringing in proper American chefs who know to serve heathy salads that look as good as they taste with flower sprinkles and all.’
So if you’re here, I suppose the dowager queen, Camilla, will be able to stay on in Clarence House?
‘No way! There’s no room in this town for that stuck-up old bitch and me. She’s going back to her home in the boondocks with her dogs and horses and petunias or whatever.’
I‘d obviously said the wrong thing so I changed the subject quickly and said: I expect you’re going to be kept very busy visiting schools and hospitals and supporting all your charities.
‘Am I? Hell no! I guess I’ll leave all that sort of thing to Harry. He’s really good at all that stuff. Hugging grubby kids and talking to disgusting sick folk. No, I’ll be busy with my As Ever brand. Except that I’m going to change the name. I thought maybe just Your Queen or From the Palace. What do you think? Anyhow, I’m planning to really expand the range. Me being a real queen is going to be a mega draw. I’m aiming for something as big as Goop, only all about elegant living instead of sex. It’s going to be huge. Oh, what’s that? Cliff says our time is up so I’m out of here.’
And without another word she and Cliff left the room. I have to say I was pretty pleased with what I had on my phone and in my notebook. Except that when Cliff got busy with his redacting fluid, this is all that was left:
Tell me about the Coronation. ‘It was like the best ever Broadway production.’
I understand that you and the King are going to be living here in Buckingham Palace. Is that correct? ‘Sure.’
So I suppose that dowager Queen Camilla will be able to stay on at Clarence House? ‘No. She’s going back to her home with her dogs and horses.’
I expect you’re going to be kept very busy supporting all your charities. ‘I’ll be busy.’
Oh well, never mind. Cliff made me hand in my notebook with the copy but my phone was on record throughout the interview and the real Queen Meg is tucked away inside it. When I’m an old, washed-up journalist, that’s going to be my nest egg.
Dinah Kennedy
September 2026